Melbourne... and the end of Australia

One of the great things I discovered about travelling solo is that I could be whoever I wanted to be. When I first started my journey, people would ask me about my 'story' and, for the most part, I told the truth: I quit a boring job so I could explore the world. If someone wanted to know more, I'd usually be honest in my answers. But, after telling the same story for the 1000th time, I was bored with my own life; it got to the point where, if I recounted the details once more, I was going to have to shoot myself. So, sometime during my trip in Australia, I just started to make shit up. Total, bald-faced lies. It was the only way to keep myself from going crazy. For a few days I was a grad student at a small liberal arts college in Oregon studying to become a sex therapist with a speciality in various fetishes. (The fetishes changed each time I told the story.) After that, I was a venture capitalist investing primarily in new farm technology. My b.s. story was constantly changing: mattress tester, Hallmark card writer, and porn producer were among my more frequent personas. I'd really get into the characters and develop a full life for each one. Finally, by the time I got to Melbourne, I was a talent scout for the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus. Oh man, that was fun; I had a great back story about growing up as a carnie and what it was like living with circus freaks. I always had this fear that someone I met would actually have the job that I pretended to have, and would ask me a series of questions that would expose my lies. But amazingly, no one ever called me out on my nonsense. So if you ever meet someone from Australia who met someone from America with a crazy life story, that's probably just my b.s. making its way back home.

And now, for the worst segway ever...

During all my travels, I never pretended to be a city planner. But if I really were a city planner, and I was tasked with designing a city, I'd just copy Melbourne. I spent six days in and around Melbourne, having flown from Sydney (no more buses... suck it, Greyhound Australia!). Melbourne may be one of my favorite cities I've ever visited. If I made a checklist of everything I'd want in a city, Melbourne has it. It has great public transportation: trams (a la San Francisco), trains, subways, and an excellent network of buses. There's green space galore: I counted 14 parks (and one giant botanical garden) with a four mile radius of the city center. The city is a grid so it's easy to get around, and it's very compact so walking is always a viable option. There are distinct little communities with different vibes, so whether you're into artsy places with lots of cafes or seedy places with grungy bars, Melbourne has something for everyone. It's not a gigantic sprawling metropolis, but it has a robust city feel with all the essentials (for me, that is - i.e., lots of public toilets and a Subway restaurant on virtually every street corner. Alas, Australia has yet to discover the awesomeness of BajaFresh.) The city center has a ton of tiny, walking-only lanes snuck between the streets. On these lanes you can find all sorts of cafes, restaurants, bars, and clubs. Melbourne also has a great mix of architecture. On any given street you might walk past three buildings next to one another that are Victorian, Art Deco, and ultra modern. Public art pops up in random places (not to mention the excellent variety of museums in the city... take that, Sydney!), and really good street musicians are everywhere. My only gripe is that the city's main beach - because the city is situated on a river 25 miles from the coast - is small, kinda dirty, and the waves suck. Other than that, it's close to perfect. I spent a couple of days wandering around the city and taking it all in. I even managed to squeeze in a round of golf. Several people told me that Melbourne is consistently rated as one of the world most livable cities, and it's easy to see why. Aside from the fact that Australia as a whole is bizarrely expensive, I can understand why someone visiting Melbourne might consider a more permanent relocation.

Wandering around aimlessly is fun, but I also like to rely on the advice of locals. Not to boast or anything, but I'm pretty fearless when it comes to asking for advice about quirky things to do and see. Sometimes the responses are nothing more helpful than what I'd find in the guidebook. But every now and then I get some real gems. For example, a guy working at Subway (with whom I struck up a conversation while ordering a foot long meatball sub) told me that I had to visit the bathroom on the 32nd floor of the Sofitel in downtown Melbourne. That's not the kind of tourist recommendation I'd normally expect to get, so I figured it must be good. A few hours later, with a bladder full of Sprite ready to be unleashed, I made my way to the Sofitel, where, thankfully, there was no security to get in my way. I reached the 32nd floor - not the top floor, but where the bar and restaurant are located - and found the men's bathroom. Upon entering, I immediately realized why the guy at Subway sent me here. The outer wall of the bathroom - right next to the urinals - was a giant floor-to-ceiling window. All I was hoping for was a good pee; instead, I got a good pee and a great view. How lucky can one guy get? This bathroom is undoubtedly the recipient of my highly-coveted "Best Panoramic City-Scape View Afforded To A Guy Relieving Himself At A Hotel Urinal" Award. Why this isn't listed in Lonely Planet's "Things to Do" section in Melbourne is beyond me.

Melbourne's appeal also lies in its close proximity to lots of other things to do and see in southern Australia. About an hour outside of the city is the Yarra valley, Australia's version of California's Napa valley. The valley is now home to over 100 separate wineries including some big names like Moet&Chandon. The guy at the front desk of my hostel was giving me his normal sales pitch for a wine tour, but when he started to go into detail about what the tour consisted of, I just stopped him and said, "You had me a 'wine tour'." Off I went: four wineries, lunch, and just for kicks, a quick stop at a homemade fudge store. Oh, wine and chocolate - is there ever a time when you don't make the world seem perfect?? The wineries were all very nice and the wine was good, but I noticed that the tasting samples tended to be smaller than what I'd get in California. I repeatedly had to ask for more wine. Whatever. But, the nice thing about taking a wine tour - other than not risking a D.U.I. - is that it makes everyone fast friends. Two hours before this picture, I didn't even know these two girls. Yet, with just a few small tastings of some Pinot Noir and Chardonnay, we were laughing and sharing stories (I didn't lie about my life story to them), and they insisted on taking a picture with me. Which only made me wonder (as I often do in times of mild inebriation) about one of the great mysteries of life: why is it that people of the opposite sex only seem to be attracted to you when you're already dating someone else? These girls were cute, smart (both just finished med school), funny, Australian (I love the accent), and wine drinkers. And - I know this is hard to believe, but it's true - they seemed to like me. Where were they when I was single? The majority of my twenties (which are rapidly coming to an end) were spent as a single guy - why didn't I go to Australia then? Oh sure, there might be - might be - greater injustices in the world (poverty, famine, war, blah blah blah), but this phenomenon seems particularly brutal.

Another fun day trip from Melbourne is a drive down the Great Ocean Road. It's a 150 mile stretch of road along the coastline of southern Australia that looks and feels almost exactly like California's Highway 1 around Big Sur. It's the kind of thing I'd normally want to do in my own car, alone. I was tempted to rent a nice convertible for the day and cruise with the top down and the radio blasting. But they drive on the left side of the road in Australia, and while I've done that before (in New Zealand), it still kinda freaks me out. I figured it was best to let someone else handle that part. That decision turned out well because it's a lot nicer to just sit back and enjoy the scenery without having to worry about accidentally veering onto the wrong side of the road and dying. I like Melbourne a lot, but not enough to die there. I can use any number of adjectives to describe the drive - amazing, beautiful, breathtaking. Parts of the road skirt sandy beaches while other parts hug steep cliffs. Fortunately it was a gorgeous day so the contrast of the colors - bright blue sky, dark blue ocean, reddish-orange cliffs, and lush green forests - was really something special. Another nice bonus is that, as you might imagine, lots of rich folk have summer homes along the road, so the drive was also something of an architecture tour. My favorite house (and/or spaceship) was the one pictured here. The tour bus stopped at a dozen places along the road for us to get out and take some pictures and enjoy the postcard-esque views. One of our stops was Bells Beach, famous (to some) as a major surfing spot in Australia. The waves were tame when I was there, but I'm told that in winter the waves can be gigantic. (It's also an excellent source for some random movie trivia. Bells Beach is supposedly the final scene in the 1990s surfing/robbery classic "Point Break" starring Keanu Reeves, Patrick Sawyze, and Gary Busey. In fact, the final scene was not at Bells Beach.) Another stopping point along the road is called "12 Apostles." It's a section of the land where the cliffs have been eroded away by the water, but a few chunks of rock still stick out. There aren't 12 rocks and there never were - it started with eight and now it's down to seven. Regardless of the inaccurate name, it's a really cool sight. You can't tell from the picture, but the ocean is really churning against the walls of the cliffs. They estimate that most of these outcroppings will be gone in the not too distant future, so if you're tempted to see them, you best not wait.

I was in Melbourne for Christmas so I decided to do something different, something I've never done before: attend a midnight mass. I went to St. Paul's, the main Anglican Cathedral in the heart of downtown Melbourne. Even though I'm not Christian, I'm a sucker for Christmas carols. Granted, they don't exactly sing "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" in church, but when a thousand people join in (relative) harmony for "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" it's an uplifting experience. Also, as much fun as it has been spending my time on beaches and exploring random and remote corners of the world, some part of me needed a little nourishment for the soul. I appreciate and respect what was said during the service - doing good works, being a good person - even if the Jesus stuff didn't really sink in. Unfortunately, much of the service was ruined by the people in attendance. Since this is my first midnight mass - indeed, my first time at a service in an Anglican church - I might be out of my league to comment on it. But assuming (safely, I think) that people at an Anglican service should comport themselves as they would at any Christian or Jewish holy service, I was appalled by the egregious display of disrespectful etiquette - disrespectful to other congregants and disrespectful to the church. Perhaps the problems lay with the tourists - and I'm not just singling out young backpackers, I mean all tourists - who see this as something to "do" while on vacation, like it's Sea World or something, and therefore don't act as they ought to given the setting. Of course that's no excuse, just a possible explanation. (I'd estimate that at least a third of the roughly 1,000 people in attendance were clearly tourists, if not more.) Among the things I saw were:

1. People wearing grossly inappropriate clothes. Isn't it standard practice to take off hats when you enter a house of worship? You wouldn't know by the looks of it. People wore not only baseball caps, but santa clause hats and reindeer antlers. There were girls were dressed as if they had just come from, or were headed to, a club; guys wearing shorts and/or t-shirts; and all manner of people wearing flip-flops. I guess one argument is that God judges based on peoples' acts, not clothing, so what a person wears is irrelevant. But when I decided to attend the service, without even giving it a second thought, I automatically went back to my hostel to change into the nicest clothes I had. It's not that I would expect people to wear suits, but a decent level of dress should be standard... right?

2. People messing with their phones, ipods, and cameras. The woman next to me - before she left in the middle of the sermon! - was texting and - yes, this is true - took a phone call. What kind of dipshit takes a phone call during the sermon in midnight mass?!

3. People eating and drinking. People came into the church with bottles of soda that they continued to drink once they sat down at pews. I saw one guy chewing on a muffin. Where do these people come from?

4. People coming and going at their leisure. It's one thing to be a little late (although, I wonder, if there's anything/anyone to be on time for, it's God. How hard can it be to get to the cathedral on time?) But to come late, walk around, make noise while you're sitting down, then leave early and make more noise, that's downright disrespectful. If you come, stay for the whole thing. I did, and hell, I'm not even Christian.

5. People talking. It's one thing when people quietly whisper to their neighbor. That wouldn't kill me. But some people were having full-on, regular-voiced conversations in the back of the church... I wanted to strangle them. Church is like the movies, only with God instead of George Clooney - no talking is the rule. In fact, it's easier than the movies because you do get to talk at set times - a good 25% of the service involves group participation. So if you need to open your mouth, do it then.

In the midst of all this, I got strangely angry given that it's not my holiday, not my religion, and I've never been to this kind of service before. I guess I just got pissed that a basic level of respect was wholly lacking. (Two points of irony were not lost on me. One, that a non-religious Jew was taking umbrage at people for not being respectful during a midnight mass. Two, that I was getting angry while the point of Jesus' teachings is to forgive and accept. Well, maybe Jesus can do it, but I can't tolerate that kind of nonsense.) I mean, the church was kind enough to open its doors to the public for free during a very holy and important service to its congregants. (This, in stark contrast to the various temples and mosques that I've visited in the last five months that not only charged an entrance fee, but also barred me, as a non-adherent, from attending religious services.) When someone invites you into their home for a special occasion, you damn well better be respectful and act nice. You don't show up in crappy clothes, put your feet on the table, chew with your mouth open, insult the chef, and leave without saying thank you. But that's basically what 25% of the people in attendance did. Sign of the apocalypse?, or sign that I've turned into my parents?

I don't mean to suggest, though, that people in Melbourne are terrible. On the contrary, the douchebags mentioned above were likely all tourists, and people that I knew to be from Melbourne were super-friendly and polite. I'm not just talking about those connected with the tourism industry. I mean everyone. Take the video below, for example. I was just walking around one night when about 100 hundred yards in the distance I saw lots of cop cars with flashing lights. All I could think was, "Oh man, this should be good..." Maybe it's a major drug bust or a triple murder or a shootout with some local gang members (although I highly doubt there are gangs in Melbourne). As I approached I was drooling with anticipation to see what was going down. And then... it hit me. Not only was nothing bad happening, it was the total opposite. The cops were just out for a little 'meet and greet' with the locals. I'm like, "what the f**k is this?!" The cops were posing for pictures and letting people photograph the inside of their cars and sit down in the drivers' seats. Would you ever see this in America? I mean, really, what kind of amazing public perception and relation with locals must the cops in Melbourne have in order for people to react like this? I'm not a cop hater and I have respect for what they do (at least the honest ones), but even as an affluent white guy whose direct experiences with cops are usually limited to getting parking tickets, I have absolutely no interest in taking a picture with a cop. And you damn well better believe that I'd never voluntarily set foot in a cop car. So when I saw this spectacle, it really cemented why people would want to live here.



(Is that girl really giving the peace sign while taking her picture with a cop? Craziness.)

Towards the end of my time in Melbourne, I began to experience a little travel fatigue. I was enjoying the backstories I had developed for my b.s. lives, but I just couldn't bear to be a tourist for another day. The thought of carrying around a map or getting onto a tour bus or waiting in line at a museum was unbearable. So I killed two days doing nothing: one full day hanging out at the beach; one full day reading and laying out at the Botantical Gardens. And then, I woke up one morning, and I decided I had had enough. It was time to go home. So that's it for Australia, and for my travels... for now. I just got back to LA, where I'll be for a few weeks to catch up on some much needed rest. The blog is on a temporary hiatus. But fear not - I'll be back on the road in late January in South America, where I plan to spend roughly eight weeks livin' la vida loca. So this isn't "Goodbye," it's "Until we meet again."

Oh yeah, happy new year!