....Except the damn bus driver.
He refused to leave. (By the way, this is my "bus" - a hollowed out, rusted, barely-functioning piece of crap. It was older than I am - never a good sign.) I was amped to get my jungle on, but the fact that I was a paying customer was more of a nuisance to him than anything else. "I don't leave until I have enough passengers," he told me repeatedly. Hey, I get it pal - it's your world and I'm just passing through. So there I am, waiting, waiting, waiting. Patience is a necessary ingredient of traveling in Southeast Asia, but 3-plus hours of sitting idle at a bus station - just hoping that some other person shows up - is enough to push anyone over the brink. In those three hours, I'm pretty sure I went through the entire Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle (shock, denial, anger, etc.) and after reaching the last stage, acceptance, I created a new final stage: the iPod stage. What would I do without you, REO Speedwagon?Before I go further, how about a quick geography lesson for those who have no idea where I am? Borneo is the third largest island in the world. It's on the edge of the Pacific rim, just south and west of the Philippines. It's sort of circular in shape; if you drew a line from the upper right hand corner to the lower left, the top portion is Malaysia and the bottom portion is Indonesia. Or, you could just click on the link below the map on the right side of the blog and let GoogleMaps explain it all.
So, finally, the jungle. After several hours driving on a "road" off the main highway, my first destination awaited me: Mt. Kinabalu. I'll be honest - I had never heard of this mountain until a week before I arrived.
But scores of people told me that it had to be seen, and if possible, climbed. So I ventured out to the "big daddy" of Borneo. It stands at 13,500 feet in elevation. While not tall in comparison to more commonly-known mountains, what makes Mt. Kinabalu visually striking is that it's not part of a larger mountain range. It stands by itself; the next tallest mountain in the area is at least a mile shorter. Furthermore, Mt. Kinablua is "two-toned" - the bottom two-thirds are entirely jungle while the top one-third is bare granite. And, if you're lucky, sometimes a low lying cloud will sit right at the intersection of jungle and granite which further enhances this visual effect. A fair number of people climb to the top of the mountain and from what I hear, it's not a particularly difficult climb. Doing so requires sleeping at a small camp about 3,000 feet from the summit, so it ends up being a two-day affair (and provides the opportunity to see the sun rise over the summit on the second morning, which is supposed to be a killer view if the clouds cooperate). Did I climb to the top? Nope. Because I'm a coward? Well, that may be true, but that's not the reason. 
The temperature change (from a balmy 90 degrees in the jungle to sub-freezing temperatures at the summit) requires a litany of clothing and tools I didn't have: long pants, sweater, jacket, gloves, flashlight, ski mask, etc. etc. etc. Sure, I could have bought these things for a 36 hour hike (in addition to the $250 required to pay for a mandatory hiking guide, insurance, and a "conservation" fee) and then thrown them away the next day. But... nah. I'd rather spend my money on beer. So sue me. Anyway, I did climb to the first base camp (elevation 7,200), which was nothing to sneeze at, thank you very much. It took me a full day to go up and down, and the view from there is still quite breathtaking. On my way down, with about an hour of sun left, I figured I'd do a final exploration of the jungle before I headed back to my homestay. 
So I bust out the "map" of the mountain (provided by the park ranger) and take what appears to be the "scenic" route as amongst the seven or eight small trails weaving towards park headquarters. It turned into a pleasant exploration of the local flora, including these flowers that stood out from the blanket of green covering everything else. But this map was the worst piece of crap ever. I could have received better directions if I had given a piece of paper and some paint to a three-year-old and asked him to do a finger painting. I passed a rest stop that met at the conjunction of four trails, and with time running out, I decided it was time to drop the scenic tour and just head back in on the most direct trail. So I looked at the map and followed the path for 20 minutes until... I'm right back at the rest area. One big stupid loop around a hill. Great. So then I decided to go the other way from this rest area and 15 minutes later... the same damn rest area! By process of elimination there was only one trail left to take, but by then it was dark and I could only hope that I didn't twist an ankle or whatever. I made it (obviously) but there was a brief moment of fear (I'm man enough to admit it) where I thought, "Well, you've had a good run at this life. Twenty-years ain't so bad." So, yeah, that was my introduction to the jungle.The next day, I thought I'd tone it down a bit. I figured I'd be more of an observer than a doer.
I headed to the Sepilok Orangutan sanctuary in the far northeastern corner of Malaysian Borneo. It's one of only four in the world and, according to them, the best of the four. The sanctuary's mission is to rescue orphaned orangutans left behind as a result of deforestation and raise them to be re-released into the wild. The sanctuary is small - just a few buildings - but it's built into a large swath of protected rainforest. It's a fun place to visit because there are no nets, cages, or enclosures when viewing the orangutans (and whatever other monkeys come to visit). You walk about a mile into the jungle along a set pathway to a feeding station where a lot of the orangutans hang out.
At specific times, workers bring some food to the station and, low and behold, out of the jungle come scores of orangutans, macaques, and proboscis monkeys (which are found only on Borneo). They do their thing for about an hour at the station - swing around, thump their chest, smell each other, and sleep - and then disappear back into the jungle until the next feeding period. I was fortunate in that many of the orangutans and macaques that showed up that day were comfortable getting close to those of us watching them. 
We (the humans) were all standing about 30 yards from the feeding station and they (the monkeys) didn't seem to mind one bit. Even though I realize that we're about 97% similar when it comes to DNA, it's still amazing how similar their facial expressions and movements are to ours. But, in a not-too-subtle way to underscore the 3% difference between species, the worker involved in the feeding warned the observers, "Don't get too close. The dominant male will get angry and is strong enough to rip your limbs off your torso." Good to know. I kept my distance from the dominant male...The following day I headed further into a portion of the jungle that's only accessible via plane. The "airport" looks like something the CIA might have covertly built in Laos during the Vietnam war. It's a small strip of land, a tiny building, and then hundreds of miles of primary rainforest. Why build an airport in this jungle? So people can visit Gunung Mulu National Park.
It sort of sounds like an infectious disease - "Doc, is it bad?" "Dave, I'm sorry to tell you this. You've got Gunung Mulu." Some people come here for extended three or four night jaunts into the jungle wilderness. I wasn't up for spending four nights in the jungle - that's just craziness - but I figured I could handle a couple of days trekking around in a small group with a guide. The hiking actually began at dusk on the first day and we walked around in the dark for a few hours before coming to a stop. There was a full moon so most of the bigger animals didn't come out, which sucked, but the insects and reptiles were in full force. At one point the guide stops us as she spots a giant toad in the distance. When I first heard the guide say "giant toad" I was hoping for some monster thing like two feet in length. Not exactly. 
It was about eight inches - big, but certainly not giant. Anyway, the guide keeps telling me to get closer and closer so I can take a picture. I'm a little reluctant because I figure I'll scare it off, but she's egging me on, so I'm about 18 inches from it when I get this shot. Only then does she tell me, "Watch out. It's poisonous. If the chemical it secrets on its back touches your skin, it'll burn like hell." Uhh, say what? Shouldn't you tell me that BEFORE you encourage me to get within 18 inches of this sucker? Not exactly instilling a lot of confidence at the beginning of our excursion together... Anyway, we plodded around the jungle for a couple of days. It's nice, but I'll be honest - the jungle looks the same whether you've been walking around for two minutes or two hours. 
It's not as if the jungle gets denser the more you hike; the park headquarters, where all the trails start, is already right smack in the middle of the jungle. 
But we did catch some interesting reptiles and insects along the way, like this tree snake (about three feet long) and this millipede (which I measured to be the length of 1.5 dollar bills. Imagine that thing crawling into your sleeping bag!) All of the insects seem to be on steroids. I'm not an insect person (who is?), so it was just one giant "ugh"-fest during the hikes as the guide pointed out creepy-crawlies that make me shiver with disgust. Fun, huh?As nice as the jungle trekking was, I (like the majority of visitors) really came to Gunung Mulu to explore the limestone caves.
These caves - approximately six of which are open to the public for viewing - are truly spectacular, and you don't need to take my word for it. The BBC, in 2006, produced a documentary called "Planet Earth." It quite possibly contains some of the most incredible shots of nature ever put on film. (I liked the series so much I recorded it on my DVR and had the DVD.) One part of the series, which I believe fell under the heading of "Jungles," explores these caves. The most famous caves include Clearwater cave, which contains parts one of the world's largest underground river systems and is believed to be the largest cave in the world by volume, and Deer cave, which contains the largest cave passage in the world. 
The cave's size has been measured in a variety of different ways, but let's just say it's friggin' huge. And there's more. Deer cave is home to three million bats that semi-frequently come out of the cave en masse at dusk to dine on the local insects. If I recall correctly, in the "Planet Earth" documentary, the bats all come out and form this massive tornado before splitting up to find food. That's not exactly what happened when I was there. The bats came out in waves, about 50,000 each time, and stormed out looking for food without any tornado-like effects. It looked almost like the black smoke from the the t.v. show "Lost."
It was still really cool to see this go on for about 45 minutes even though I was expecting a massive bat tornado. But, given that that bats often don't come out at all, I was glad to catch a glimpse of them regardless of what shape they took.
After my days in Gunung Mulu, it was goodbye to Malaysia. A quick flight back to the nearest city (Miri) and I was back in civilization. But I wasn't prepared to leave Borneo just yet. Just a few miles from Miri is the border between Malaysia and Brunei Darassulam (aka Brunei the Abode of Peace, or just Brunei). I figured it was worth a visit; when the heck am I going to be this close to Brunei in my life? So I boarded a bus and three hours later I had arrived in the capital, Bandar Seri Begawan. Brunei is a tiny country in terms of both size and population (about 350,000 people) but it's ruled by one of the wealthiest families in the world, headed by the Sultan of Brunei.
He was once the richest man in the world. His personal wealth was estimated by Forbes in 2007 (I did a little research) to be around $23 billion. Several other royal family members, including several princes, are estimated to have anywhere between $5-15 billion. That's what you get when your country is essentially Shell Oil Company. (A little more research revealed that the Sultan owns 130 Rolls Royces, 531 Mercedes-Benzes, 367 Ferraris, 362 Bentleys, 185 BMWs, 177 Jaguars, 160 Porsches, and 20 Lamborghinis. It's good to be the Sultan. And, just to be clear, his full title is "His Majesty Sultan Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Mu'izzaddin Waddaulah, Sultan and Yang Di-Pertuan Negara Brunei Darussalam.") I imagined a sort of mini-Dubai with wealth oozing from every surface. Not even close. The country is very understated, albeit clean, quiet, organized, and completely alcohol-free (boo!). Walking around at 8:30 p.m. feels like it's really 2:00 a.m. It's a dull place but I think that the people like it that way, i.e., no crime, no beggars, no disaffected youth, minimal unemployment, etc. And the people are very friendly. For the first time in almost three months, drivers would actually stop to let me cross the intersection. That's unheard of anywhere else within a 1000 mile radius.Okay, I won't kid you: I really came here just to add a cool stamp to my passport. I was only here 48 hours. That being said, I liked it a lot even though I didn't do much touring. I did visit the two main mosques in the capital, both of which are just stunning.
They were built by the Sultan in the last 40 years and serve as the primary worshipping areas for many of the Muslims living in the capital. And yes - if it looks like gold, it is. There's also a fascinating museum dedicated to all things Sultan. In one portion of the museum there is a large collection of gifts given to the Sultan by visiting dignitaries. It must be tough trying to come up with a gift for a guy who literally has everything. Some of the gifts are nice, but some of the poorer countries brought gifts that look like trinkets compared to what the Sultan already owns. Which brings me to my other favorite part of the museum. It houses all of the ornaments and regalia used during official ceremonies to remind everyone just what a big shit the Sultan is. In addition to the usual stuff you'd expect to find - gold throne, gold umbrellas, etc. - there was one item that just made me laugh. It looks exactly like a prosthetic arm but it is made of solid gold and designed for one purpose - to hold up the Sultan's chin. This is no joke. It looks exactly like a prosthetic arm (starting mid-bicep) that would sit on a table; it has the palm of the hand facing open as if you were resting your chin in your hand. Since it would be unseemly for the Sultan to rest his chin in his own hand when he's a little tired, he has to have an arm of solid 24k gold to do it for him. You can't help but look at this and think, "They had some extra gold laying around after all the important stuff was built and someone said, 'What else can we do with this. Oh yeah, a fake arm to hold up the Sultan's chin! Why didn't we think of that earlier?!'"What else was left to do in Brunei? Probably a fair amount more, but for me, there was only one more thing on my agenda: a night's stay at The Empire Hotel & Country Club. It might sound like any other resort, but it only sounds that way. This place was built in 1994 by one of the princes - Prince Jefri - as lodging for guests of the royal family.
Construction costs were approximately $1.1 billion. Yes, you read that right - $1.1 billion. After just a few years, it was converted to a resort to try to recoup some of that cost. From the moment you walk into the main lobby, your jaw drops. It's ridiculous and extravagant and orgasmic: it's ridicagantmic. One part of the lobby is seven stories high and supported by pure Italian marble columns that have solid gold leafing everywhere. The place has nine pools, a dolphin center, a bowling alley, a gym with tennis courts and badminton courts and squash and yada yada yada, a full-size movie theater, it's own stretch of private beach, a spa, and a golf course. Then there's the Empire Suite ($22,000 a night - just a shade out of my price range) that houses a chandelier made of pure Baccarat crystal. Nice. 
I can just imagine how frightened they were when I walked in. You have to keep in mind my physical appearance these days: crappy $2 t-shirt from Laos, sweat-stained shorts, Billabong flip-flops, and a frayed NorthFace backpack with muddy shoes tied to the back. Not exactly the type to saunter into a 5-star resort. The guy at the reception was undoubtedly paging hotel security to throw me out. "We have a situation here. Main lobby, purple shirt. Looks like a backpacker is trying to crash at the hotel. Repeat, backpacker is trying to crash at the hotel. Need immediate assistance." But, as my father taught me, my money is just as good as anyone else's, so when I walked up to the reservation desk and brought out the plastic, it was nothing but smiles and "Hello, Mr. Newman." And when he asked me how many people would be staying, I got a likely smarmy and said, "Two. Me... and my American Express." It was totally lost on the guy.I opted for the "standard" room, which "only" has a king-sized bed so deliciously plush it nearly brought me to tears, an ocean view, a gigantic bathroom that's wall-to-wall marble, and electrical sockets with gold-plating. And, as it should be, the staff practically got down on their knees every time I walked by to better position themselves to kiss my ass. I don't usually like being called "Sir" and I hate "Mr. Newman," but given what this place cost me for just one night, I thought, "You bet your sweet ass you can call me sir."
I hated to leave this place, but it had to be. I left Brunei and the good life behind me. My one day vacation from being a backpacker was over.
It's back to the grind, back to the budget hotels, back to the road. Goodbye Malaysia, goodbye Brunei.
Hello Philippines...
The bat effect is really cool. I wonder if that's actually where they came up with inspriation for the smoke monster. Speaking of monsters, we'll miss you on Halloween!
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